I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
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