apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
