its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
