Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I am naked and annoyed.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
