I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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