I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
