She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
