A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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