I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
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