we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
