when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
