she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
