How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
this beer tastes like vomit already
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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