I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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