I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
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