I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
We need a shit load of segways right now
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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