If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
