dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
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