I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
