remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Randomize
