I'll bet she douches with gravy.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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