You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Randomize
