I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
