dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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