True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize