a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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