I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
