Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
