haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
