What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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