you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
