im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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