i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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