I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
