So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
