I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
