Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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