Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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