im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
