I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
