Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
We left the knife in your bed.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
