Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
