I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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