she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
