Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
