I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize