dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
