I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
