It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
