I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize