Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
