I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
