I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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