i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
