My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
